This is too funny to keep to myself. After answering a few humourous questions, you can learn your pirate name (shown below). Having once attended a team pub crawl dressed as pirates (and savagely defeating all other teams, including the doctors and the guy walking four women dressed at dogs), this one is close to my heart.

My pirate name is:

Dirty John Flint

You're the pirate everyone else wants to throw in the ocean -- not to get rid of you, you understand; just to get rid of the smell. Like the rock flint, you're hard and sharp. But, also like flint, you're easily chipped, and sparky. Arr!

Get your own pirate name from fidius.org.

One of my poems has been given an honourable mention in the Queen's University Alumni poetry competition! Three Sugar Packets appears on their web site and will be printed in the Winter 2005 issue of the magazine as well.

Ed's Note: It didn't actually get printed in the magazine. Just online. Man, the only thing worse than honourable mention is honourable mention with even less mention. than you originally thought.

The honourable mention may sound sucky, but at least it comes with a hefty cash prize. Oh wait, no it doesn't-- I don't get anything at all, actually. Just a very, very small pat on the ego. Ah... yes, that feels nice.

I'm coining yet another term: "the straightener." This term is used to refer to a third male, usually in his absence. The purpose of the third male is to prevent a pair of men in public from appearing as though they are a couple or on a date: he is the straightener. Typical use:

Dave:	Hey Andy, those girls were looking at your new boots kinda funny.
Andy:	Yeah, and your hair. And that wasn't the first time tonight.
Dave:	Dammit! I knew we needed a straightener!
Andy:	Yeah, count on Phil to have Tae-bo on a Friday!

In a social scene fast becoming crowded with metrosexuals and MIMs (Men In Makeup, soon-to-be coined), any well-dressed and -manicured man

Ed's Note: Not that he knows anything about either of those concepts.

runs the risk of being mistakenly labelled as homosexual,

Ed's Note: Not that there's anything wrong with that! Unless you are trying to pick up girls, that is.

and when accompanied by one similarly decked-out man, this risk more than doubles. Since couples don't usually bring along a third wheel, the straightener acts as implicit heterosexual evidence.

The Straightener: Don't leave homo without it.

In honour of Valentine's day, I've written my first postcard story (less than 500 words), in a romantic vein. To be clear, the idea came to me moments ago, unprompted by the holiday (inasmuch as I wasn't planning on writing a story about anything today).

Pure fromage. Enjoy.

Heard my neighbours going at it this morning. Or at least, the female neighbour. Not a peep for three months and then I find myself listening

Ed's Note: As if you wouldn't.

and wondering seriously whether I should call the police or just smirk in a knowing way. Either way, from the sounds of things I'm pretty sure she was tied up.

...they go and pull this. Previously I've ranted about Blockbuster imposing its moral preferences on movie producers by requiring specially-edited versions for rental in their stores, but now they have implemented a new policy regarding late returns that is ridiculously touting itself as the "End to Late Fees." In reality, instead of paying a $2.50 late fee, after 7 days they charge you the full cost of the movie. Get that? No late fee, but instead, a whopping, mandatory purchase. But wait, it gets better. If you manage to return the movie within 30 days, you can get the purchase price refunded, but must pay a "restocking fee" of $1.75.

Restocking fee. Late charge. Let's call this what it really is: a way to screw you for a couple extra bucks. The person who would like an end to late fees will likely still return movies more than a week late, triggering this purchase policy. Now Blockbuster has something in the neighbourhood of $20 of your money, instead of the $5 for the rental. Let's say it takes you another 7 days to return the movie. They've had an additional $15 for 7 days, plus, they still get your late fee (pardon me, "restocking fee") at that time. Multiply this by the many, many thousands of people who will be charged this automatic purchase, and you can see that Blockbuster will have a huge chunk of cash that they can leverage for investment, essentially gaining interest on your involuntary investment.

I have no financial interest in any other video store or corporate entity related to Blockbuster's success or failure. I just know exploitation when I see it. So please people, go anywhere else. Blockbuster is abusing you.